Is Your Left Hemisphere Pushing You to Hoard? To Minimalize?
Our culture tilts left-hemispheric like a teeter-totter with a body-positive kid on the left side
Few things feel better than disgust. It's the rocket fuel of reality TV, propelling us to smirk and gape at the human wreckage on display: the obese, the addicted, the mentally ill, the hoarders, and that woman who won't eat anything except cheesy potatoes. It's a carnival sideshow for the masses, a freak parade for the age of digital voyeurism.
On the flip side of our schizophrenic culture, we've got the righteous do-gooders encouraging and clapping for these dime museum exhibitions. They preach about "body positivity," lionize recovering addicts, and assure us that the Linda Blair cosplayer screaming at passersby in downtown Austin is simply "neuro-diverse."
The Hoarding Epidemic
But even in this cesspool of cultural decay, there's a line that few dare to cross. Nobody's rushing to defend the hoarders. Those dung-laced piles of old clothes, scrunched boxes, and dollar store knick-knacks scream "First World/White Trash Problem" louder than a MAGA rally in a trailer park. It's a sight that sparks universal disgust.
Condorcet, that starry-eyed prophet of progress, once predicted that civilization would produce 37,000,000 poets like Homer and 37,000,000 philosophers like Newton when the common man's resources were plentiful and his work time limited. Instead, we got 16 seasons of A&E's Hoarders.
The Spectrum of Accumulation
Hoarding is a spectrum disorder, ranging from the mildly cluttered to the poor souls who use boxes for furniture. It's mostly an American affliction, born from the unholy union of excess wealth and left-hemispheric dominance. Before we became a-historically wealthy through the weapons of foreign intrigue and the reserve currency, nobody hoarded. They just got by, setting aside excess in good times and spending it in bad times. It was a simple, honest way of life that's as alien to today’s Americans as walking is to a fish.
The Minimalist Delusion
On the other end of this grotesque spectrum are the minimalists. These smug, self-satisfied individuals get rid of anything that doesn't "spark joy," buy only enough groceries for that evening's dinner, and even discard underwear before it becomes a collection of lint. They float above those of us on the hoarding spectrum, but they're merely on the flipside of the same tarnished coin as the extreme hoarder.
In the old days, extra things were a sign of wealth. It set you apart from the rabble who could only afford one pair of pants. Now, minimalism serves the same function. Who can afford to buy that day's groceries regardless of what's on the clearance rack? Who can afford to have just one special pen? Who doesn't need to worry about running out of something because he knows he'll always have enough money to buy more? The wealthy, that's who.
The Left-Hemispheric Tyranny
Minimalism oozes from a dominant left hemisphere like pus from an infected wound. The minimalist wants to control her surroundings and achieve constant clarity and precision. It's the same obsessive drive that fuels the hoarder, just dressed up in a sleeker, more socially acceptable package.
The only thing separating the minimalist from the hoarder, besides hygiene, is attitude. The hoarder is self-aware and often embarrassed, as innately remorseful as a frat boy with a wicked hangover. Not the minimalist. She's as smug as a sorority girl after the starting quarterback starts following her Instagram feed.
That's what takes minimalism from a left-hemispheric problem to a spiritual one. If it gets bad enough, the minimalist will turn into that Linda Blair cosplayer in downtown Austin and need a priest to exorcise the minimalist demons.
