All Alcohol is Bad for You, Until It's Not

Dr. Lefty Hemifear has weighed the evidence and reached a conclusion: All alcohol is bad for you.

The glass of red wine after dinner? Shill conclusions from Madison Avenue. A few belts of whiskey to unwind after a long work week? Redneck heroin.

It’s all science, so it’s all fact.

Until it’s not.

You know who’d really benefit from demonizing alcohol? The pharmaceutical companies.

Satan.

The Satans are already attacking alcohol. The GLP-1 drugs are killing people’s impulsive behaviors, including the need to have a few whacks of the good stuff before the in-laws arrive.

How many more drugs could the Satans develop and sell if they made everyone afraid of tradition’s favorite way of making this vale of tears a little less sad!

So I’m guessing the studies will continue to roll out.

It started about ten years ago, it seems, when I heard that more than seven drinks per week is bad for you. Then that number came down to four per week. Then two. Now zero: more than zero drinks per week, and you’re heading for Zombie Land without a double-pump shotgun.

That’s been Dr. Andrew Huberman’s progression. He ain’t no Establishment hack. He gives it straighter than Viagra after a large can of Red Bull.

But Dr. Lefty Hemifear? He gives it even straighter. Too straight. So straight, it’s crooked.

He dials in the science more and more, taking one little line of fact and blockchaining it to another little line of fact, breaking the little lines down more and more, then he wraps them around and connects the ends to come up with something resembling a circle.

But it ain’t a circle. It’s a shit-ton of tiny lines pasted together and wrapped around to look like a circle from a distance, but when you look close, you see it’s all f’ed-up.

That’s because Dr. Left Hemifear can’t draw a circle any more than a virgin can do high-grade work in a whorehouse.

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